Deliverance

(Artist: Toni Frissell)

O God,

Forgive me.

Help thou mine unbelief.

I pray that love will be our deliverance,

But I am only one person.

I need grace.

Amen.

Defining Pornography

(Artist: Mykola Velychko)

A recent study from BYU highlighted the effects of pornography on religious persons. While there was much discussion on social media, the conversations were less than fruitful when arguments hinged on the definition of pornography.

I’m highly skeptical of absolute statements concerning traditional notions of pornography when sexual imagery is far more complicated that just good or bad. I have often said, “I am anti-porn, because I’m pro-sex.” But what is porn?

According to Merriam-Webster, pornography is defined as: (1) the depiction of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual excitement (2) material such as books or photography that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement.

I suspect most people would conform to this definition of pornography or something akin to it.

If we accept this definition, one must conclude that not all pornography is bad. For example, I send my husband explicit, erotic images and videos of myself regularly with the deliberate intent to sexually arouse and excite him. Over fifteen years of marriage, he certainly has collected quite a “pornographic collection” and has developed what some would consider a definitional “pornography addiction.” But in this context words like pornography and addiction, as traditionally defined, hardly seem helpful. Frankly, those words seem silly. But why? How is pornography different than me sending erotic images and videos to my husband?

The sexual expressions, depictions, and behaviors between my husband and I are founded upon love and intimacy. I’m not convinced this medium of sexual interaction is bad, damaging, or immoral. Quite the contrary, it is a consensual expression of sexual desire that provokes intimacy and love among the involved parties. I would contend that sexually explicit or erotic material that enhances intimacy and love in interpersonal relationships of all persons involved is NOT pornography. Pornography should be defined in terms of harmful sexual expressions, not arousal or excitement.

For example, to the extent that sexually explicit material enhances intimacy and love in interpersonal relationships among consenting members, it is good and therefore is NOT pornography. To the extent that sexually explicit material is a hindrance to intimacy and love in interpersonal relationships, it is bad and therefore IS pornography.

Pornography has tangible effects on human sexual desire, response, and functionality. If we look at some of the potential harm that comes from prolonged, systematic exposure to pornography, which is sadly exacerbated by damaging shame tactics and dangerously repressed sexual desires, we certainly shouldn’t ignore the risks and effects of engaging in pornography viewing, production, and distribution.

However, if pornography is defined as depictions of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual excitement that are a hindrance to intimacy and love in interpersonal relationships, the word pornography has become an identifier of what we wish to avoid, which is harmful, oppressive, sexual expressions to oneself and/or others. With this definition of pornography, we aren’t shaming sexual desire and arousal via imagery and media, we are instead identifying harmful sexual expressions.

Of course, the devil is in the details. This definition of pornography certainly leaves room for interpretation and would likely vary among the persons involved. What is a harmful sexual expression to me may not be a harmful sexual expression to you. While my husband may enjoy sexually explicit media of me in a perfectly healthy way, if he were to distribute those images or videos without my consent, they would then become pornography because they were distributed in a manner that would hinder love and intimacy in our relationship. In this sense pornography is a fluid state that may or may not change depending on context.

There is still much to be explored and understood about the risks and benefits of sexual expressions, especially as technology continues to connect us with others in radically unprecedented ways. Should pornography play a role in our relationships? Well, it depends on how you define pornography. It should be defined in terms of damage, harm, and oppression. So I would say no, there is no need for it in our relationships.

As for myself, discussions about pornography seem silly when definitions, assumptions, and verbal baggage obstruct meaningful discovery of what are helpful sexual expressions and harmful sexual expressions. I certainly am anti-porn, because I perceive pornography as harmful sexual expressions that inhibit love and intimacy among involved persons. I am certainly pro-sex, because sex is a powerful, dare I even say godly, way of enhancing love and intimacy among involved, consenting persons. As technology is further developed I have no doubt it will radically change the way we perceive and engage in sexual behaviors, but we won’t be able to appropriately discuss the risks and ramifications if we can’t even define pornography in any meaningful way.

*Published at Rational Faiths on Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Postgenderism: Liberation from Homogenization

Presented at the 2017 Mormon Transhumanist Association Conference on 8 April 2017 at the Utah Valley Convention Center in Provo, Utah

The word postgender might conjure up various ideas and images—everything from a society evolved beyond traditional gender roles, to the total abolishment of gender, to a conformed, sexless, genderless species void of diversity. While many postgenderists have different views and perceptions, my hope today is to share a unique view of gender that offers us insights into the possibilities of what a postgender society could look like. Do we need gender equality or gender abolishment? Or do we need gender liberation?

Let’s begin by taking a closer look at sex and gender. What is biological sex? How is it different from gender? How does this affect a person’s gender identity? How accurate are our binary categories?

Biological Sex

What does it mean to be female and male?

1. Chromosomes

The oversimplified version of sex chromosomes is that women have XX chromosomes while, men have XY chromosomes. It seems straightforward, until it’s not. Females do have XX chromosomes while males have XY chromosomes. However, a third gender exists quite naturally without any technological, social, or philosophical intervention. Roughly 1 in 1,000 births are of XXY [1] chromosomes, known as Klinefelter syndrome.[2] Other chromosomal variations include Turner syndrome, XYY syndrome, or triple X syndrome.[3] Many are also born with an inability to reproduce. These individuals are intersex and are not chromosomally classified as male or female even though their genitalia may or may not present indicators of their chromosomal variance.

2. Gonads

Dorland’s Medical Dictionary defines sex as “the fundamental distinction based on the type of gametes produced by the individual.”[4] Smaller gametes called sperm are assigned male and larger gametes, called ovum, are assigned female. While most people fall into the male and female categories, some people are born with ovotestis, which are gonads that contain attributes of both ovarian and testicular tissue.

3. Sex Hormones

Natural sex hormones are made by the gonads and interact with androgen (male) or estrogen (female) receptors.[5] The two main sex steroids for females are estrogen and progesterone. For males, it’s testosterone.

One could also argue extreme hormonal abnormalities could constitute a biological sex variance that is non-binary. For example, females who contain high levels of testosterone may experience deepening of the voice, increased muscle mass, enlarged clitoris, or frontal balding similar to men. Their hormonal variance can play a significant role in how they experience gender.

High concentrations of androgens (male steroid hormones) have been associated to infertility in women, particularly polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). An interesting aspect of a study conducted by researchers from the London Women’s Clinic found that lesbians are twice as likely to have an imbalance of sex hormones. Dr. Rina Agrawal commented about the study, "Our research neither suggests nor indicates that polycystic ovaries-PCOS causes lesbianism, only that polycystic ovaries-PCOS is more prevalent in lesbian women. We do, however, hypothesise that hyperandrogenism - which is associated with PCOS - may be one of the factors contributing to the sexual orientation of women."[6]

In other words, if a female has higher levels of androgens, like testosterone, does that make her more male and more likely to be attracted to women? Conversely, if a male has higher level of estrogen in comparison to his levels of testosterone, would that make him less male and more likely to be attracted to other males? Possibly.

This could be the beginning of linking biological sex variances with sexual orientation and/or fertility. This is one reason it’s important to understand biological sex, independent of gender identity and performance, before making conclusions about sexual orientation. We are a product of our anatomies and a better understanding of our biology could lead us to better understand sexual orientation, and when, how, and where those sexual orientations fit into society.

4. Internal Reproductive Anatomy

Internal reproductive anatomy of women generally includes a vagina, cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries.[7] Internal reproductive anatomy of men generally includes a vas deferens, seminal vesicle, prostate gland, Cowper’s gland, epididymis, and testes.[8] However, when we look at the intersex population there are overlaps that can challenge our binary categories. A person might be born with external male genitalia while also having internal female genitalia. A man could have a fully functioning uterus and penis. A woman could have an abnormal or dysfunctional uterus while still having perfectly normal female genitalia.

5. Genitalia

The clitoris and the penis are homologous organs, meaning they share a biological structure, but not the same function. Clitorises and penises are made out of the same tissue and both will fill with blood and become erect during arousal. In fact, all of our genitalia is homologous. The labia and scrotum are made from the same tissue as well.[9] So why do genitals looks so different if they are homologous? In the womb, when genitalia is being developed we start off as unisex. The esthetics of your genitalia and the functionality of your breasts and nipples are then affected by the hormones that are present. Females will often develop fatty breast tissue with more functional mammary glands for production of milk. Generally, males are denied this function.[10]

But what happens when there is a variation in the hormones during genital development? Sometimes you get ambiguous genitalia, a clitoris can look like a small penis or a penis can look like a large clitoris.

An intersex person may identify her penis as feminine, because it is in fact her penis. The way she perceives and experiences her body and gender will vary and will sometimes challenge our prescribed social gender assumptions. Perhaps it’s time we realize sexual dimorphism is not as binary as we’d like to believe.[11]

Gender Identity

What does it mean to be a woman and a man?

Gender identity is a person’s inner sense of being male, female, a blend of both, or neither. A person’s gender identity may be in likeness or contrast to their biological sex. An individual whose identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth is cisgender.

Different cultures have different gender identities and labels. Some labels include: non-binary, gender queer, bigender, trigender, pangender, agender, transgender, two spirit, or gender free.

Most recent studies suggest a person’s gender identity is usually formed by ages 3-6.[12] Prior to that it is quite common for children to play and experiment in cross-gender roles and performances. For example, my three-year-old daughter recently has taken an interest in peeing while standing up. Is this a product of a unique gender identity or is she simple exploring the world around her because she has a father and two brothers who pee standing up? It’s likely the latter, but perhaps time will tell a different story.

Gender identity, though influenced by others, should be determined separately by each individual. For example, I identify as a woman, I perceive myself as a woman, and call myself a woman. For another person to assign my identity against my own perceptions can lead to a host of negative outcomes.

Gender Expression

What does it mean to be feminine and masculine?

Gender expression is usually the external appearance of one’s chosen gender identity. This is expressed through various mannerisms, behaviors, apparel, style, and voice pitch. Gender expression is mostly predicated on socially constructed ideals of what constitutes as masculine and feminine. Many people express some sort of androgyny containing both masculine and feminine qualities.

Gender performance is highly subjective based upon geographic location, time period, and belief system.

For example, men regularly wear kilts in Scotland or sulus in Fiji, while being in perfect compliance with masculine gender norms. However, if a man with a beard were to wear a skirt in the US, many would consider this a social taboo. It challenges our ontological categories of socially acceptable “norms.”

As time passes and society evolves, so do our perceptions of “normal” gender expression. If a female were to wear pants or trousers in the 19^th century, many people would condemn her of attempting to be too masculine in her gender expression. “Women can’t wear pants!” However, today, a woman may choose to wear pants and not be in violation of gender social norms. Gender performance standards evolve.

Religion also plays a role in this social construct. In LDS Mormonism, some women designate a specific Sunday as “Wear Pants to Church Day”[13] that challenges traditional gender stereotypes in a religious context.

Gender expression is a performance, not constrained to any singular act, but the repetition and ritual of a person performing a gender until it becomes naturalized.[14] Our parameters of acceptable gender expression are highly subjective and constantly changing.

Review

In review, biological sex is based on a person’s anatomy and embodiment. Gender identity is how a person perceives and experiences their anatomy. Gender performance is how they express their gender identity based on their anatomy. As you can see these concepts are interrelated, but do not necessarily mandate a social prescribed performance and/or experience.

Now, let’s look at this chart. We can plot points on the graph to see where a person could fit on these spectrums. A person could land on any one of these, creating countless possible combinations.

So, what does this say about gender?

Biologically speaking, every human being is different with a unique anatomy. Cognitively speaking, every human being has a unique consciousness and individual way of experiencing and perceiving their own gender identity. Performatively speaking, there are countless and unimaginable variances that a single individual could choose. There are countless possibilities in which a person could experience gender and biological sex. There are as many genders as there are human beings.

Gender Fluidity

Now that we have deconstructed some overly simplified and rudimentary approaches to biological sex and gender, let’s touch on gender fluidity.

Our bodies are constantly regenerating a continuous pattern of information. The cells of our body are constantly dying and perpetuating with slight variances along the way. In many ways, you are not the same person today that you were yesterday, nor could you be. Impermanence is real. Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, commented, “Everything flows and nothing stays. All is flux, nothing is stationary. You could not step into the same river twice.”[15] I tend to agree. The water is always flowing and changing in both radical and subtle ways. Imagine your body as a river, constantly evolving. We are our anatomies and as our bodies change it’s quite possible our gender identity, perceptions, performances, and identities are constantly flowing too. Some more than others, but all is in flux. Over time, the balance and desires of our gender may fluctuate, perhaps more so in some people than for others.

In a very real sense there are just as many genders as there are humans, but not only that there are as many genders as there are persons at any given point in space and time. This view of biology, gender, and fluidity provides an infinite number of variations in the space-time continuum.

Postgenderism

There are commonalities in categories, but our categories are about as useful as they are accurate. When categories become silos in which there is no exchange among other categories we are being dishonest and doing a disservice to ourselves by ignoring the various forms of androgyny that naturally exist within the tangible world we live in. We don’t live in a binary world. The law of excluded middle doesn’t apply here. Things aren’t just true or false. Sometimes things are true and false, or neither true or false. We must start removing ourselves from binary illusions that are not only inaccurate, but also harmful.

Advanced technologies are only going increase the diversity and complexity of our ideas of gender and sex. Reproductive technologies enable humans to create offspring in ways that have never been accomplished before. For example, I was born with an abnormal or bicornuate uterus. Additionally, it’s a mutated bicornuate uterus which is tilted and mutated. This makes conception nearly impossible. According to natural selection, if I were born 50 years ago and were so lucky as to become pregnant, delivery for both me and my offspring would likely result in death of one of both of us. It’s as if natural selection said, “Blaire you can’t reproduce and pass on your genes and if you do, I’m going to kill you and your offspring.” That’s brutal, but the story doesn’t end there. A person who was once infertile due to biological sex variances can now reproduce with assisted reproductive technologies. What natural selection had deemed as unworthy to perpetuate offspring before, the human species has decided otherwise today. We are transcending our biological sex and gender limitations. But is that in and of itself a product of evolution? If we are the product of evolution, so are our technologies and we do not need to distinguish the “naturalness” of the two. Technology is the natural progression of our evolution. So, while my body may lack certain “female” qualities, technology compensated for those abnormalities. And as we continue to compensate for the outliers who don’t fit on the binary, perhaps we will find that postgenderism will result in a beautiful complex rainbow of gender identities and sexual variances that is far more interesting than homogenization or binary categories.

This challenges certain perceptions of sci-fi films projecting advanced civilizations as plain uniformed, homogenized sapiens. I see that quite the opposite as the more plausible outcome.

In short, the kind of postgenderism I’m interested in is a future that not only recognizes our similarities, but also our unique differences. I see a future where gender and sex aren’t constraints or mere functions, but also artistic expressions of the constantly evolving face of humanity. Where biological sex and gender do not mandate expectations and limitations of what a person is capable of.

As with any evolution or revolution, transitions can be perplexing, frustrating, and intimidating. So please be kind, and trust that we can reconcile together. As technology and science continues to develop and shape our perception of one another, I have a hunch it will also amplify our inner most desires. If those desires are love, compassion, reconciliation, and understanding, then we have the potential to create something quite beautiful, complex, and diverse. Something that enables us to creating both meaningful and lasting relationships. Independent of gender, people generally want to love and be loved in return. So be kind, and love each other. Thank you.

*Note to my non-cis or non-binary readers: My perceptions and opinions are based upon academic research and my own subjective experience. If you think I have inaccurately represented the queer community, feel free to contact me. I’m happy to learn more about your unique experiences.

Notes and Citations

---

[1] Intersex Society of North America, “How common is Intersex?” ISNA, accessed February 12, 2017, http://www.isna.org/faq/frequency.

[2] Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, s.v. "Klinefelter Syndrome," (accessed March 29, 2017), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klinefelter_syndrome.

[3] Janell L. Carroll, “Sexuality Now: Embracing Diversity,” 4th Edition (Belmont: Wadsworth, 2013), 87.

[4] Dorland’s Illustrated Medical Dictionary, s.v. “Sex,” 32nd Edition. (Philadelphia: Elsevier Saunders, 2012).

[5] Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, s.v. "Sex Steroids," (accessed March 31, 2017), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_steroid.

[6] Danny Kingsley, “Hormone Imbalance More Common in Lesbians,” ABC Science, July 3, 2003, accessed February 17, 2017, http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2003/07/03/892229.htm.

[7] Janell L. Carroll, “Sexuality Now: Embracing Diversity,” 4th Edition (Belmont: Wadsworth, 2013), 113.

[8] Janell L. Carroll, “Sexuality Now: Embracing Diversity,” 4th Edition (Belmont: Wadsworth, 2013), 137.

[9] Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, s.v. "List of Related Male and Female Reproductive Organs," (accessed March 28, 2017), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_related_male_and_female_reproductive_organs.

[10] Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, s.v. "Mammary Glands," (accessed March 30, 2017), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammary_gland.

[11] Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, s.v. "Sexual Dimorphism," (accessed March 30, 2017), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_dimorphism.

[12] Pamela J. Kalbfleisch & Michael J. Cody, “Gender, Power, and Communication in Human Relationships,” (New York: Routledge, 2010), 366.

[13] The first “Wear Pants to Church Day” was on Dec. 16, 2012. It was launched as an effort to normalize the action many LDS women have taken to wear formal, respectful dress pants to LDS church services. Mormon feminists, women and men, wear dress pants and the color purple to their local LDS Church services for many different reasons, but many of those who participate are concerned about gender equality in the LDS Church. For more details, see http://pantstochurch.com.

[14] Judith Butler, “Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity,” (New York: Routledge, 2007), Preface 1999, XV. “. . . performativity is not a singular act, but a repetition and a ritual, which achieves its effects through its naturalization in the context of a body, understood, in part, as a culturally sustained temporal duration.”

[15] Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, s.v. "Heraclitus," (accessed March 31, 2017), https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Heraclitus.

A Thoughtful Faith Podcast

(Artist: Kate Max)

A podcast in which the lovely Gina Colvin and I had a conversation about theosis, God, creation, Transhumanism, Mormonism, the Divine Feminine, technology, sex, gender, and process theology. You can listen to the podcast at A Thoughtful Faith, 193: God, the Image of God, Theosis, Sex, and Godly Creation.

*Published at A Thoughtful Faith on Sunday, April 23, 2017

Mormon Women on Theosis, Empowerment, and Divine Purpose

One on the most fascinating and inspiring aspects of Mormon theology, to me, is theosis. While the idea of humans becoming gods is not a concept unique to Mormonism, I have found no other religion that is so immersively drenched in process theology, eternal progression, and Godhood. As a woman though, I have often felt uncertain as to where I fit into the narrative when our female deity seemed almost absent from our conversations, praise, and worship. In my mind, it made practical sense to worship what I might become, and that was not Heavenly Father. 

I recall hearing the word priestess for the first time in the temple. I'd never heard that word until that point, or at least I hadn’t recognized it. It was among the most beautiful words I ever heard. While my first experience in the temple was not a particularly pleasant one, I remember feeling captivated by the word priestess. It felt feminine, holy, powerful, humble, empowering, and lovely--all at the same time. I wanted to be a priestess, even though I had no idea what that looked like. Could women be trusted to speak, act, and preach with the power and authority of God? I still have many unanswered questions, but it was clear I was not the only one searching for answers. Women are longing for more than what they are hearing in a church pew, conference center, or temple.

In my search, I recently bought a copy of At the Pulpit: 185 Years of Discourses by Latter-day Saint Women, which is a compilation of teachings, prayers, and speeches ranging from General Conference to The World's Congress of Representative Women. I devoured the book. I was particularly inspired by the words of women in the early years of the church, especially those involved in the Utah Woman Suffrage Association. Reading the words of these women speaking authoritatively on theosis, empowerment, and divine purpose was something I longed for. If there was one thing the book was lacking it was the voices of women of color, which I would certainly like to read more of.


Here are a few of my favorite excerpts from the book:

"When we take into consideration the many opportunities and various ways of usefulness, and the amount of good that may be accomplished by us who are engaged in so great a cause, some of you may feel that it is not our prerogative to interfere in the least, or to take one step towards building up the kingdom of God. But I feel that it is a mistaken idea to suppose that we cannot perform acts that would ennoble our character and position, when we are so nearly allied to the brother and of the priesthood, and they required to use strenuous efforts to advance the cause of God."

—Elicia A. Grist (Millennial Star, May 4, 1861)

"We all desire to be good and useful, so let us put our good desire into execution, for it is in our power to do so."

—Mary Ann Freeze (Salt Lake City 11th Ward Young Men's and Young Ladies Mutual Improvement Association, January 1879)

"We have been instructed that each one of us in our organizations is endowed with the germs of every faculty requisite to constitute a god or goddess. These little ones in their mothers arms have the germs of all the capacity which we exhibit, and what constitutes the difference between them and ourselves? Merely a lack of development in them, and this development requires cultivation, energy, and perseverance. The organization of the Female Relief Society places the sisters in positions to bring into exercise and thus develop all of our faculties: that's in doing good to others, we benefit ourselves...let us try to realize our responsibilities and honor our position."

—Eliza R. Snow (Salt Lake City 17th Ward Relief Society, February 18, 1869)

"The time was when thought that our husbands would save us, independent of our own exertions. Now we understand that instead of depending entirely on her husband's for salvation imposition, we have to work them out ourselves. The responsibility and labor that develop upon women are becoming more important. If society is reformed, it is to a great extent because women are refined."

—Eliza R. Snow (given in Kanab Relief Society written in Women's Exponent, April 1, 1881) Recorded by M. Elizabeth Little

"Wilt thou be with woman as thou hast with man, to strengthen her where she is weak that she may aid in the defense of truth and right and where her voice is heard throughout the broad face of the earth, make it have echo in the hearts of the honest, and may she serve to smooth the wrinkles of unjust laws, as she does and has, The pillows beneath the aching head of the eye soldiers and servants. We prayed the that doubt wilt blessed by handmaidens here in this little nook in the valley of the mountains, that we may perform noble and grand acts that will compare with the grandeur of the mountains around."

—Elvira S. Barney (Utah Woman Suffrage Association prewritten prayer, Temple Square Assembly Hall, October 7, 1889)

"Woman has been given the power, the honor to open the door through which all must pass ere they can enter that advanced stage of action and go forward in the work of progression which has been designed and marked out by our Heavenly Parents. I say parents, because while we hear a great deal about our Heavenly Father, and very little, if anything, about our Heavenly Mother, reason and revelation both teach us that we must also have a Mother there."

—Mattie Horne Tingey (The World's Congress of Representative Women, May 19, 1893)

"Why is it today there is so much broader a view taken of woman's position than before? Because woman herself is beginning to feel that she is an enlightened, responsible being, with a mind capable of the highest intelligence, with talents that it is her duty to develop and use for the advancement and elevation of the human family. This feeling is gradually but steadily growing; it is being felt throughout the world and it will continue to grow until it becomes a power in the earth. All honor to the noble women of this Congress, who have stood firm in the face of severe opposition, bitter scorn oft times, and dared to maintain their convictions of truth and right. May their number increase, and their influence be felt until it reaches every nook and corner of the inhabitable globe."

—Mattie Horne Tingey (The World's Congress of Representative Women, May 19, 1893)

"It is proper on occasions like this to consider such topics as shall be of the highest benefit to womankind; into my mind, it is fitting to discuss here that capacity of mind in which woman is preeminently fitted to excel. [...] They that knock with study and faith's assurance have the narrow way opened to them and I received into communion with the infinite Father and Mother, are permitted to enter hollowed mansions, to attend the school of the profits, and by advancing steps, to reach the school of the gods, where they learn the process by which worlds are organized by the combining of eternal, intelligent, obedient elements; The uses for which worlds are called into existence; the manner in which they are controlled; and the laws of progression by which all begins and animate things are perfected and glorified in their respective spheres."

—Sarah M. Kimball (National Council of Women, Metzerott's Music Hall, Washington DC, February 21, 1895)


*Published at Rational Faiths on Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Authority

(Artist: Ian Dooley)

I love my mother very much. She taught me so much that I’m not even sure she is aware of. I remember her saying often, “never be afraid to stand up for what you believe”, “follow your gut”, “a phone call home will save you a hell of a lot of trouble”, “there’s nothing more important than your education”, “don’t lose your faith in God”, and my personal favorite, “you don’t have to put up with other people’s crap”.

The majority of my life I’ve watched my mother have a humorous on-again-off-again relationship with Pepsi. I can still remember countless times as a child walking by her craft room to see her sitting at her sewing machine with an ice cold Pepsi sweating beads of condensation on the sewing desk my dad made for her. They were very happy memories.

In the 90’s there was quite a fuss among members on the specific doctrine of the Word of Wisdom and caffeinated sodas. The debate seemed to never end, and our bishopric at the time had a strict interpretation.

When my mother went in for her temple recommend interview the questions came.

The bishop asked, “Do you obey the Word of Wisdom?”

She replied, “Yes.”

He pressed, “Do you drink caffeine?”

She casually replied, “I drink Pepsi and I don’t give a s*#t.”

She finished the interview and walked out with her temple recommend.

For better or worse she has had some influence in shaping my perceptions of authority. I learned at a very young age not to allow religious figures to overstep their bounds.


*Published at Rational Faiths on Tuesday, March 21, 2017

A Child’s Prayer

(Artist: Agnes-Cecile)

There are times at church I can’t bring myself to choke out another male pronoun. I would attempt to sing the hymns, but I could only mouth the lyrics in silence. I couldn’t even say His name. It felt dishonest to sing praises to His name, yet the silence of my praise felt equally dishonest.

Some time ago, I can’t say for sure when, I began substituting female deity pronouns for male deity pronouns while singing. I was quite shy at first. My vocals were hardly even noticeable. Who knew what kind of social ramifications awaited me if they knew I sang praises to our female deity? However, over time, the tameness of my vocals melted away each Sunday until I was confident enough to sing out female pronouns at a comparable volume to the rest of my fellow congregants. When I sing about Her, I’m sometimes reminded that perhaps as a woman I, too, am of a divine nature. Perhaps there is more waiting to be discovered beyond the emptiness of the projected narrative. Perhaps there is more to my future awaiting my initiation.

It’s not a significant change, nor do I expect my humble voice to sway the direction of the entire choir, but at the very least my song is now honest.

Heavenly Mother, are you really there?

And do you hear and answer ev'ry child's prayer?

Some say that heaven is far away,

But I feel it close around me as I pray.

Heavenly Mother, I remember now

Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:

"Suffer the children to come to me."

Mother, in prayer I'm coming now to thee.

Pray, She is there;

Speak, She is list'ning.

You are Her child;

Her love now surrounds you.

She hears your prayer;

She loves the children.

Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav'n.

*Adaptation of A Child's Prayer

Mormons Building Bridges Retreat

(Artist: Lukas Neasi)

I recently attended a Mormons Building Bridges Contemplative Retreat in Sundance, Utah. Attendees were asked to participate in introspective questioning and sharing about gender identity and sexual orientation in relation to LDS policy and Mormon theology. The retreat started in a large group of roughly 20 people, followed by breakout sessions of seven people, down to three people per group. Attendees included parents of LGBTQ kids, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and allies. Religious and spiritual beliefs varied across a broad spectrum, but were all in some way familiar with Mormonism.

As the retreat began it became increasingly clear there is a serious amount of conflicting emotions regarding queer Mormons and their place in various Mormon communities (for clarification, I’ll be referring to any member of the LGBTQ community as “queer” for the remainder of the paper). However, what was slightly surprising among the participants was the reaction straight allyship had to the recent policy change to ban the children of practicing homosexuals from baptism. Some were suffering to the same extent, or perhaps more, than actual members of the LGBTQ community. I particularly noticed the suffering of the mothers of queer children.

In listening to the experiences and perspectives of these mothers it seemed the reoccurring question was, “Where does my queer child fit in this church and in the eternities?” This question is a source of angst that produced a variety of emotions and responses—everything from anger to sorrow. Many feel as though they are forced to choose their child or their church. Obviously, this could cause turmoil to even the most devout disciple or committed mother.

Imagine a Mormon female being raised in a religious tradition that correlated her value with her ability to produce offspring and rear those offspring toward exaltation.  The plan seems simple at first, until one of the offspring has identified as queer. This is in direct opposition with current LDS policy, culture, and structure. The esthetics of the “eternal family” have been prescribed according to not just the biological limitations of sex, but also the social construct of gender. The conflation of biological sex and socially constructed gender performances (which are two separate ideas) have produced a false sense of the “natural order” without consideration to those who fall outside the prescribed “natural order”—mainly non-heterosexuals and non-cisgender individuals. When a Mormon mother, who was quite literally raised to breed children and fiercely rear them into salvation, is confronted to choose between her pre-ordained calling of motherhood and the religious institution that taught her this divine purpose, there will undoubtedly be conflict. However, the conflict is far deeper than a surface level misunderstanding. This conflict calls into question the very nature of her existence and purpose as a mother. How is she supposed to choose between her child and her church?

The recent LDS policy change to the church handbook has been a catalyst in the transformation of many Mormon parents, with reactions ranging from confusion to outrage. The policy specifically states “apostasy refers to members who are in a same-gender marriage.” This qualifies homosexuals, specifically same-sex married couples, as apostates.

For a Mormon mother this means that if her child chose to enter into a same-sex relationship with the hopes of marriage and an eternal family, they will automatically be rejected as apostates. They would not qualify for the blessings of eternal marriage or an eternal family, which is central to the theological, governmental, and cultural teachings of the LDS Church. If a Mormon mother’s existence and purpose is to breed eternal families, her child’s orientation is not just a problem, but is sometimes treated as a disease that needs to be eradicated before admittance into any sort of exaltation.

At the retreat I listened to the painful struggles of what a Mormon mother of a queer child is experiencing; I listened to their stories. I watched them cry as some described suicide attempts, self-mutilation, self-loathing, and substance abuse of their children. Many of them, for the first time ever, are finding themselves in a place of theological uncertainty. They were not prepared, nor equipped to address the conflict that has now caused them to question the very foundation of their existence.

               

Despite the harrowing stories, I also saw hope. Observing the interaction between the queer participants and the mothers of queer children was encouraging and inspiring. Amid the sorrow and frustrations there was also consolation and hope that perhaps one day their children could find a place of belonging. Many people embraced one another and dried each other’s tears with empathy and concern. While this is hardly an excuse for the jarring conflict between their church and their child, I see many people seeking reconciliatory ways of moving forward.

               

For example, some of the attendees participate in groups such as Understanding Same-Gender Attraction (USGA) at BYU. USGA “is an unofficial group of Brigham Young University students, faculty and guests who wish to strengthen families and the BYU community by providing a place for open, respectful discussion on the topic of same-gender attraction and LGBTQ issues.” Though change is slow, the conversation is happening in ways it never has before. More opportunities are becoming widely available in an effort to help those in the LGBTQ community and their loved ones.  Medical reports, psychological research, and social pressures have changed attitudes toward such harmful practices as conversion therapy. While homosexuality isn’t condoned in LDS policy, I am observing a slow and steady change in attitudes and misconceptions.

As I left the retreat we hugged each other goodbye. Many exchanged contact information in hopes of being a source of support during times of turbulence. It was both humbling and inspiring to engage in such a wonderful, thoughtful experience. For anyone looking for introspection, contemplation, reconciliation, and friendship, I highly recommend the experience.


*Published at Rational Faiths on Tuesday, February 20, 2017